Motherzine

Reverse Trollogy

Trolls Are Human. Trolls Need Love.

Mother London teamed up with BBC Radio 4 Woman’s Hour and a host of singing celebrities this week for a campaign and charity single to save digital trolls from themselves. Online abuse needs to be recognised as a public health issue and the internet will be a better place for everyone as soon as it is.

Being endlessly pragmatic and empathetic, MotherZine thought it appropriate to recognise and understand how said trolls are feeling during what must be a challenging time of self-reflection. So here goes.

@bad_deadpool is upset that the women appearing in the video don’t live up to his expectations, physically. There should be some sort of trigger warning before these videos so he can bounce off to safety at babestationofficial.

@Peter_Yates is upset that semantics keep getting in the way of a solid day’s obfuscation, and its bordering on mis-identification of his minority group. Also, trolls need emotional responses just like anyone else, and it’s better to provoke anger/humiliation/despair than not get anything at all.

 

Imagine all the politicians, all the newspapers, all the TV stations, and pretty much all the people in the street are telling a lie. And you alone are telling the truth. How paranoid would that make you feel? And then people call you a troll. That’s how @SocietyOfTheSpectacl feels.

It’s fun to take the pee out of people. But it feels rubbish when the joke’s on you. @KiraMadisonLeung thinks people should remember that before they start shaming people who shame people online.

There are human farms where celebrities are grown. Part of the rearing process on these farms is an intense media training regime, which helps them withstand endless online abuse. Which makes a mockery of meritocracy. It’s like a war really. And trolls need to tool up before Charlotte Church and all the other foot soldiers of evil ruin everything with their singing about love and stuff.

 

 

 

 

Local Elections Are The Mutt’s Nuts

If general elections were animals, they’d probably be lions, all proud and domineering. Mayoral elections would be the less commanding – but wily – hyena in this analogy. And local elections? They’d be lemmings, easily lost/forgotten in the weeds of political life.

Except not any more. Because the appeal of voting for the 4,300 largely anonymous council seats up for grabs in the UK has this week been up-scaled by the magical properties of social media. And now local elections are more like a thoroughbred show dog with shimmering fur and incredibly proud and muscular buttocks. Because posting pictures of your mutt before you cast your vote is as now as – if not more –important than exercising your democratic rights.

Here’s five of the most bitchin’ beasts from this year’s #dogsatpollingstations. Plus some dog jokes just for the lols.

Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?

A: Aware wolf.

 

Q: Why do dogs like conjunctions?

A: They just love buts.

 

Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They’ve got two left feet.

 

 

Q: Why are dogs like phones?

A: Because they have collar IDs.

Q: Why can’t dogs work the TV remote?

A: Because they always hit the paws button.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Call It A Comeback. Unless It Is.

The anti-climax of an early Summer was eclipsed by a dose of Nordic noir this week, as the news cycle dropped two distinctly Scandi bombshells. First, it was the origin of Sweden’s national dish. Then, it was the news that ABBA are getting back together – and giving us 2 new songs. Mamma Mia, how could we resist?

They’ll be debuting the first, “I Still Have Faith in You,” in December on ABC and NBC. Details on the second track are to come, but a virtual reality tour – whatever that means ­­– has been announced for 2019. Despite the confirmation that they won’t be touring in person, fans are still declaring the quartet Sweden’s best export. Particularly in light of the meatball scandal.

Fancy your own ride on the reunion bandwagon? First stop: MotherZine. We’ve scoured the musical archives to compile a comprehensive list of Dos and Don’ts. After all, smart people learn from their own mistakes. Geniuses learn from others.

 

 

 

 

The Police

Whoop, whoop – it’s the sound of The Police. Literally. Returning after 30 years, the Sting-fronted icons are the standout comeback kings. By the end of the run of shows in 2008 it was the third highest grossing tour of all time (although it has now slipped down to the seventh) with revenues reaching over $360 million.

Do: Have great songs. Put on some red lights.

 

 

Take That

Despite the success of The Police’s return, Take That’s return to the limelight in 2010 has been voted the best comeback of all time, pipping Adele’s recent return to music in November 2015 and David Bowie’s in 2014. Fun fact: Almost half of all women surveyed (42.55%) voted for Take That.

Do: Be handsome and come back to life with an extravagant flourish.

 

 

The Sex Pistols

An unashamed money-making venture, Pistols Pt 2 – the Filthy Lucre World Tour was a mercifully brief affair, though the appearance of Lydon, dressed in tartan and silver was enough to prompt bottlings in Scandinavia and bored yawns in Britain.

Don’t: Do it for the money. Everyone will know.

 

 

Sugababes

The Sugababes story is one of persistence amid internal strife. Despite losing founder member Siobhan Donaghy after their first album, Mutya Buena after their fourth, and Kiesha Buchanan after their sixth, the band attempted to continue as if nothing had happened, causing pop fans to ponder the philosophical question: if all the members of a band have been replaced, are they still that band? Have they actually had continuous rebirths?
Don’t: Address the elephant in the room. Just replace it with another elephant.